My iCloud stopped working. I call Apple support (slightly paraphrased):

Apple Please give me your cellphone number so that I may look up your account
Me My number is XXX YYY ZZZZ
Apple I cannot find you in our system.
Me Strange - I have been using that phone number on my Apple account for more than a decade.
Apple Let's try your email address
Me My email address is xxx@me.com
Apple Oh no you cannot use that.
Me Why?
Apple You cannot use @me.com - you must use your personal address
Me That is why I have an Apple account - to have a personal email address, the @me.com is the address you gave me.
Why can I not use the email address I am paying you for that you are providing to me?
Apple Ok let's skip that page. what seems to be the problem?
Me iCloud is down for me. I get a connection error when trying to connect to icloud.com, and my email is not downloading. This started 10:30 today. I tried my phone, a web browser, and also a different network 5000km away from me on a Windows machine - all gave me the same connection error.
Apple So have you tried a different device?
Me Yes, I just told you
Apple Is your phone new or refurbished?
Me New. Does it matter?
Apple Where did you buy it? Apple Online Store?
Me Apple Online. Does it matter?
Apple Can you try to connect from a different device that you do not own.
Me I said I did. Same error.
Apple Give me 3 minutes so that I can look in to this.
... waiting 25 minutes
Apple Hi I am a senior support engineer and will be taking over.
Me I am getting an HTTP 503 on the server p71-keyvalueservice.icloud.com when trying to log in to iCloud.com
Apple Blah blah for 30 minutes
Apple What model iPhone do you use
Me It is not relevant, I am getting the error on my Mac Pro
Apple Sure but what model is your iPhone?
Me Sigh. iPhone 11 Pro.
Apple Seems like your account is locked for maintenance. It will take up to 24 hours.
Me So Apple can lock my account randomly for maintenance for 24 hours?
Apple I do apologise but there is not much that I can do for you. Just wait some more.
Me Thank you for your help.
Apple Have a wonderful day.
Hang up

Me Fucking idiots.